the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
