I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
