all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
