You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
