I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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