She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
