so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
