I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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