Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
