My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
