I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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