1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
im holly from the hills drunk
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
