you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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