hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
