one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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