Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
