How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
