just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
