kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
