I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
