I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
