I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
