one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
