i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
