so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
