Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
