i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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