pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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