Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
