Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
