I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
