How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
