I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
When are your genitals available?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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