Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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