you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
