the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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