oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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