I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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