omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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