Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
