You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
