the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
