I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
