i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
