it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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