i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
