Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
