Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
No...this little piggys going to the bar
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌ï¸
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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