were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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