When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
