i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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