I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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