Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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